Who Wants To Be A Millionire: The X-Files Edition
by David William Cooper
Summary: Millionair meets X-Files...


Title: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: The X-Files Edition  
  
Author: David William Cooper  
  
E-Mail: Doctor_Hannibal_Lector@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: R - Adult Lanuage And Content  
  
Category: Humour  
  
Keywords: None  
  
Summary: Its X-Files on Millionaire..need I say more?  
  
Detication: To Jessica Beth...my friend...who without this idea would be really...lame...  
  
Feedback: Yes!  
  
Discliamer: Um...no one here is mine, but you can have them...please don't hurt me Chris! And Tea...um...I don't know...go back to your cage!  
  
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire:  
  
The X-Files Edition  
  
  
  
Regis: Welcome to a night of exciting fun and questions. Okay, lets see who is our ten contestants for tonights show. We have Ex-FBI Agent, Fox Mulder. Then we have his love interest FBI Agent Dana Scully ---  
  
Chris: Hey! I want some action!  
  
Regis: And the asshole who just said that, Chris Carter...next to him, Tea Leoni...next we have Jessica Beth, a die hard Shipper/Snogger...  
  
Jessica Beth: Your goin down Carter!!!!!  
  
Regis: Easy now...next to her a Dipper by the name of Robert Patrick...then Assistat Director Walter Skinner...next to him...the imfamous Pot Smoking Man...and then we have Alex Krycek, the one armed man, then Sean Connery, and last, but not least...Blinky, the Sanity Stealing Penguin. Okay, lets do our first Fastest Finger Question for tonight. Put these movies in the order of thier release...starting with the newest...okay...A: "The X- Files", B: "House of Mirth", C: "Thirteen Ghosts", D: "Moulin Rouge". Go!  
  
Rob: Can I use fifty fifty?  
  
Skinner: Is this gonna be on the test?  
  
Regis: No, and no...you have ten seconds left.  
  
Mulder: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Krycek: Damn right it is Mulder...damn right! Yeah!  
  
Scully: Boys with toys...really now...  
  
Tea: Can I call David?  
  
Jessica: Fuck no whore, he left you for Gillian, remember, or are you still livin in the past with Farter?  
  
Carter: Thats Surfer Dude God Carter to you!  
  
Sean: I'm not wearin pants...  
  
Regis: Okay...now for the answers...before we get worse then we already are...The order is...C, D, B, A. Who got it right quickest? No one...okay, um...help here?  
  
Director: What is it Regis?  
  
Regis: No one got the Fastest Finger! What do I do?!  
  
Director: Pick someone!  
  
Regis: Okay! Mulder...your the one who won, come on up to the hot-seat. So, what do you do?  
  
Mulder: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE MAN...I'M TELLIN YA ITS OUT THERE!!!!!!!  
  
Jessica: Amen Mulder!  
  
Carter: No...its not...its up my ass...wanna see?  
  
Regis:..Moving along...Okay...for a hundred dollars...  
  
Mulder: I have no idea.  
  
Regis: I havn't ask the question.  
  
Carter & Leoni: Ha! Loser!  
  
Jessica Beth makes her way over to the empty seat were Mulder was sittin, and puts on her shirt that reads "I used to like Carter...but that was before he escaped."  
  
Rob: Can I have fiffty fiffty or no?  
  
Scully: ATTENTION ALL! IF YOU HAVE SEEN AD SKINNERS BALLS...PLEASE REPORT THEM TO THE FBI AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! THANK YOU!  
  
Sean: I havn't seen em...but you can see mine in the back if ya want...rowl...  
  
Mulder: Ask the question Creepy Weird Man.  
  
Regis: Right...Who Is The Star of "The X-Files"? Is it A: Doggett, B: Reyes, C: Krycek, or D: Uranus.  
  
Krycek: ME!  
  
Pot Smoking Man: I believe its The Dancing Green Faires...  
  
Skinner: Anyone seen my balls?  
  
Rob: I'll tell ya where they are if I get my damn fiffty fiffty!  
  
Regis: Mulder...what will it be?  
  
Mulder: Can I Phone A Friend?  
  
Regis: Sure, who would you like to call?  
  
Mulder: My ego.  
  
Regis: Yes, and I wanna jump out of a window, now who will it be?  
  
Mulder: Um...er...uh...Skinners balls?  
  
Regis: Okay...next up!  
  
Mulder: Hey..what is this?  
  
Regis: Me goin on with the show...goodbye!  
  
Two guards come and haul Mulder away, screaming, thier shirts read "Fox Executives"...  
  
Skinner: My balls? Where are they!?  
  
Regis: Since your all too damn stupid for the Fastest Finger Question...Chris, your up. Welcome to the hot-seat, what ya do?  
  
Chris: I escaped from my cage and now I am trying to bore audiences for good and turn them into my mindless zombies! Ha ha ha ha!  
  
Regis: Uh huh...thats nice...now...  
  
Chris: Bow before me!  
  
Jessica: Hell no! I must save the world! I must call...The Snogger Alliance of America!  
  
Pot Smoking Man: Just call my ex-business partner...the most vile, evil, henuis force of the twentith century...  
  
Rob: Skinners missing balls?  
  
Scully: Micheal Jackson?  
  
Skinner: The Teletubies?  
  
Jessica: You mean Tea?  
  
Tea: I heard that!  
  
Pot Smoking Man: No...Jerry Springer.  
  
Sean: Spooky.  
  
Regis: On with the show! Now, Chris...  
  
Chris: Lord Carter to you!  
  
Regis: Right...Lord Carter...What is the first episode of The X-Files called? A: Pilot, B: Existance, C: Memento Mori, D: Bad Blood...?  
  
Chris: Regis...when I was young I wanted to...  
  
THREE HOURS LATER  
  
Chris: And thats how I came to write the show...the correct answer is....  
  
Suddenly ninty-nine snoggers rush in and beat the living hell out of Chris and leave...  
  
Regis: Finally! Someone shut his ass up!  
  
Sean: I can show you some real fun...what ya say Scully?  
  
Pot Smoking Man: Oh...thats my job...  
  
Regis: That leaves us with eight...good...I'm not gettin paid enough...  
  
Skinner gets up and runs around the hot-seat muttering something about his balls. Regis stares and asks him to come up.  
  
Regis: So, Mr Skinner...do you have two brain cells?  
  
Skinner: No, I want my balls back!  
  
Regis: Okay...does anyone here know what the hell is goin on and want to be up here?  
  
Jessica: Yes! I do!  
  
Regis: Come on down!  
  
Jessica: Hang on...  
  
Jessica walks over and smacks Leoni. And goes to Regis.  
  
Jessica: Better.  
  
Dude Known As Kris: GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!  
  
Regis: Thats it! I quit! Do the show your own selves! What the hell is that! OH NO! BLINKY HAS MY PANTS!  
  
Sean: So thats where my pants went...and Skinners balls...  
  
Skinner jumps up and chases Blinky around the room for his balls.  
  
Suddenly Springer pops up.  
  
Springer: And now for my final thought...When it comes down to it...  
  
He dodges Sean's body being hurled around and other people fighting....  
  
Springer: When it comes down to it...we all are idiots in our own way...and kiddies...you should be especially careful tonight and get your shotguns cause Tea and Chris have escaped from thier hgh security cages...we are thinkin of taking the Lecter way...but we need him back and tonight! GOOD NIGHT!  
  
  
  
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Or is it?  
  
HOW DO I KNOW!? HUH!? I AM JUST A DAMN WRITER! YOUR ASKIN ME TO PLAY GOD AND SAY WHEN THE DAMN STORY ENDS? I'M TOO BUSY! I HAVE TO GO CATCH CARTER AND LEONI BEFORE HARM COMES TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC! THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! ROSWELL! ROSWELL!  
  
Fox Executive: Sorry for this minor inconvience...we will now leave you with the greatest show ever created...Ally McBeal Thank you, and good night!  
  
  
  
AND THATS THE SHOW!  
  
FOR REAL! 


End file.
